That is something you never say in Iraq. Granted, that’s something most people wouldn’t say regardless of their locale, but, given someone that would otherwise say “what a glorious breeze,” and, given a theoretical transport a la Star Trek into Iraq, and, as such, into an Iraqi breeze, rest assured, they would not say: “What a glorious breeze!” Because there is no breeze here. There is wind. And said wind, can in no way be misconstrued as glorious. It is a wind full of fine grains of sand and skin melting heat. The wind feels like a blow dryer and is somehow hotter than the ambient temperature, which makes no sense. So, the moral of the story: the wind here is hot.
The wind in Thailand, however, is, as a point of fact, quite glorious. This is a shot from the beach in Thailand, right across the street from the Patong Market. When I actually took this picture, I was mad that I had caught the tourists walking through my shot and I took another one. I like this one much better.
Phuket, Thailand
Some of you may very well remember a post on this wonderful site not too long ago which featured a link to Eva standing “too close to the wrong end of a baby elephant.” Regardless of your ability or inability to recall inconsequential, arbitrary web content, I will take the time to briefly recap: it featured an overtly creepy Thai man staring at Eva. Should you care for a refresher, here it is.
Following the photo featuring (alliteration intended) Eva, the elephant, and Creepo, Eva and I posed for a shot with the elephant. Unfortunately this photo also featured the aforementioned Creepo. I decided to “Photoshop him out.” This is something people say frequently without realizing that it is in fact quite difficult and time consuming to accomplish while maintaining a realistic appearance. I gave it a go, and I’m quite happy with the results. The top shot is the post-processed shot sans Creepo, and the bottom shot is the original photo with Creepo. Enjoy.
Eva, Phuket, Thailand, Rick
This is the baby elephant who, everyday around 10 am, was paraded around the resort at which Eva and I stayed. He was very well trained. He could stand on three feet. He could shake hands with his onlookers using his trunk. He could roll over, as Eva would put it, “Just like a doggie!” He could accept donated Bhat for his onlooking omnipresent super-creep trainer, again, using his trunk. His name was too difficult to pronounce as it was Thai, and furthermore I don’t have to try to pronounce his weird foreign name because I’m American. Instead I just speak to him, his trainer, and all other foreigners (be I in their country or otherwise) in English like any good American. Sometimes, if I really want them to understand me, I’ll elongate and overly-pronounce the words while speaking louder than any normal speaking voice. This, I’m convinced, allows anyone to understand English. If, after all of this, they still don’t understand me then they’re stupid. Oh, and this baby elephant ”passed gas” or “broke wind” on Eva’s head. Not really, but durn near. As she was posing next to the gentle beast, and whilst I fiddled with my camera, Mr. Elephant pooted. Eva stood strong, however, and we got the shot. Click here to see the picture; it features both Eva leaning in for the close shot near the elephant as well as the aforementioned creepy disgusting trainer creepily and disgustingly staring at her! Ahhh the memories…
Phuket, Thailand
This is where people duped into paying to witness the tragedy of humanity called Phuket FantaSea in Phuket, Thailand are forced to eat. Phuket FantaSea was the absolute, most disgus… well, just read the review I wrote for it on TripAdvisor:
“My wife and I almost escaped the sensory overload and neon light perversion that is Phuket Fantasea when our hotel room phone rang and we were told the “Bus to Fantasea will leave in 5 minutes.” Uh oh, we’d better hurry! I wish I had fallen down the stairs on the way to the shuttle van because the pain from scraping my knees and palms would have been desirable to the light-show-magic-elephant-dance off stage vomit that we actually saw. It was horrible, top to bottom. The grounds are a flashing light hodge-podge begging for an epileptic lawsuit; the “theme song” is rip-roaringly loud and played on loop throughout the actual grounds which are, as other reviewers actually correctly stated, nothing more than stores with creepily costumed employees wiggle-dancing and smiling like make-up clad psychos. The buffet was large; that’s about it. I would say I don’t recommend getting the food part of the package before the show, but since I highly recommend not going at all… There is also an incredible black-light lit zoo-esque display of sorts which houses white snakes, white cockatoos, hamsters (yes, hamsters), two deer (which appeared suicidal), white peacocks (which I’m pretty sure don’t exist on earth), and two white tigers. This place is a PETA nightmare… or dream… I don’t know, but they would hate it more than we did which is in and of itself astounding. Then came show time. Holy moly. I wanted to walk out, but our shuttle back to our hotel didn’t leave until the show ended so we were stuck.
If you have kids: don’t go. If you are on your honeymoon: don’t go. If you are single: don’t go. If you are given the choice to go and live or not go and die… consider the positive aspects of both. It was absolutely, unequivocally, indisputably the worst debacle of human potential I have ever witnessed. Please, please, please don’t go to Phuket Fantasea. Thank you, that is all.”
Is this a fair assessment? 5 of 6 unnamed mystery people said it was helpful, so… you tell me. (I’m making a smug face right now.)
HDR, Phuket, Thailand